A few thoughts

Lately I have felt like I have been less of a real man. I cry a lot. I am sensitive and emotional. I jump the gun on stuff all the time and I have been taking my medication again trying to correct everything so I can continue on with the woman I love so dearly. And every single time I screw up and do something stupid I feel like a bad man. A bad person. I feel like I have become my real father. I feel like I have become the things I did not want to become. I have absolutely confidence what so ever these days. And when I feel like I am being rejected by the people I am surrounded by it does not help my self esteem one single bit. I feel as if I have lost everything about myself. My purity and virginity were taken from me at a young age. I guess I am scarred for life because of it.

I am not a good man, if a man is what you would call it. More like a child, I guess.

Right now I have no confidence, self esteem, motivation, positive mind frame or self respect. I have come to hate everything about myself, and my past. And I blame myself for everything I have been through. I continued throughout my life digging myself holes and crawling into them. And it looks as though I have done it again. I hate feeling this way.

I think I feel like going to bed and crying. I am sorry everyone - who reads this. Please forgive me for wasting precious minutes of your life reading this blog.

Sorry.

Apologies and Confessions

Baby: I love you. I am sorry for getting mad over dumb shit. Even if I have been working on it. It's no excuse. I hope you can forgive me for all this drama I have laid onto this house. I am sorry for everything I have done, said or typed in instant messages, emails and text messages. I am sorry for it all. It's because of me things have been so shaky. I am sorry, baby. I love you.

Mom: I am sorry for what ever pain I caused you when I lived with you. You are the reason I am on this earth to begin with. I should be and I am forever grateful for everything you have done for me in my life. Always taking me in if I needed it. Being there for me in sickness and health. Looking out for me when I was growing up. And after all that, I treated you like shit. I have turned out to be like my real father - I am so sorry momma. I love you very much.

Dad: Dad, I am sorry I gave you a hard time while I was growing up. I know you meant well every time you yelled at me, or said no to me. Even if I didn't? Like it, I knew you just wanted the best for me. You have been more of a father to me than anyone else in the world - and you will forever be my Dad.

Mom and Dad: I love you two very much. You two mean the fucking world to me.

My sister: I love you nanna - your the best sister a bro could ever have.

Samantha: I wish to see you again.

Jimmy and Charlotte: You two are great kids. Love you!

Ruth, Carl & Family: I am sorry if I ever did anyone any wrong at any time in my life or made it rough on anyone if they were babysitting me (Ruth). Ruth you are my Godmother, and as much as I think your a hard-nosed bitch (LOL) you have meant a lot to me. And have done a lot for me as well during my life. Thank you, and I love you too Aunt Ruth.

Kelly: Even though you're Kris's sister, I have jokingly called you a bitch, cunt, or even deep throat. Even though you hated it. And for that, I am sorry and I hope that you, your husband and your child grow happily together. Thank you for being a friend.

Crystal and Steve: Steve, even though I have looked down on you for a while, I am sorry. Your not such a bad guy, really. Just think you could do better for yourself. Crystal, keep up the good work girl. And good luck with your 3 sons.

Gary and Susan: I used to think you two were the meanest people in the world for the way you raised Crystal, however I now realize that you two were just doing what you thought was best. I apologize if I ever thought wrongly of either of you.

Shayla, Jenna, Jeremiah and Josh: Personally I used to think all of you were complete pricks, morons and jackasses. I did not know you well enough, and for that I am sorry and hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Andrea - My first love: I am sorry for treating you like dirt back in Middle School - I was so young, dumb and ignorant. I hope you can forgive me for breaking your heart.

Everyone I ever dated: I am sorry for everything that happened. Please forgive me.

Cousins: If I ever said anything, or did anything to make any of you mad at me, I am sorry. Please forgive me.

Everyone in my Dad's family: If I ever acted up at Thanksgiving or Christmas and made a scene, growing up, I am sorry for that. I love you all like your my blood. Please forgive me.

Teachers: If there are any teachers out there, I pissed off or hurt - I am sorry, please forgive me.

Gabby: I am sorry for moving in with you and your momma, and then having to leave a month later. I am so sorry that you got attached to me, and I broke both you're hearts. Please, if you ever remember me, please try to forgive me.

Zachary: Things did not work out with me and your mom, you are too young to ever be able to remember me. We grew attached to each other, I am sorry Zachary. I am sorry and please forgive me.

Heather: I am sorry for damaging your car and never paying you back. Please forgive me. I am sorry.

Brandon: I am sorry for helping the other boys beat you up on school grounds in Middle School. I am sorry for kicking you between the legs and hurting you. I am sorry man, your a good guy and I should have never done that. Please forgive me.

Mister Lee: Mr. Lee, you are a damn good teacher. And behind your back, for the few years you were at the High School I would laugh and joke with friends about how you were a supposed fag and how you liked to suck cock and take it in the asshole. And for that, I must admit that I judged you based on sexual orientation and for that, I apologize. Please forgive me, Mr. Lee.

Justin: Just like Mr. Lee I did not like you because of your sexual orientation and passed horrible judgement in regards to your character and personality. Aside from all of that your a good person and I had no right to say the things I said. I am sorry Justin, please forgive me.

Derek: Hope we can hang out again sometime. I hope you and Lindsay are doing well with the Sayla, your baby girl.

Laura: Your a pretty cool chick, always cool to hang out with. Even though I thought you were a little nuts. But that is okay, I guess. Sorry if I ever misjudged you. Please, forgive me.

Anon: Sorry if I misjudged your personality as well. Please forgive me.

Adam: I am sorry if I thought wrongly of you. In reality your a pretty cool dude, I guess I just did not take the time to try and get to know you better. I am sorry man. Please forgive me.

Brian and Corey: I am sorry but I must tell the truth. Brian, I thought you had bad teeth and breath and were slightly on the funny looking side even though were good friends. And Corey, that goes for you too. I am sorry guys, for ever thinking wrongly of either of you. Please forgive me, and I am sorry.

To Myself: I am sorry for cutting myself, taking pills, and trying to hurt myself mentally and emotionally throughout my life. I am sorry for hating how I look, but I can not help it. I need to look better and get healthy so I can live a healthy life. I want to be able to forgive myself, and move on. But I do not think that I can.

Isaiah: Your a good kid, even if I think your annoying at times. Your still my nephew and I love you. I am sorry for how mean I am to you.

Jim: Your a good brother in law, but I think you're just another know-it-all who's done it all. But aside from all that, your a hell of a man. And a great father and husband to my sister.

Uncle Benny: Just wanted to let you know uncle Ben, that I do think your a prick - but you are my uncle and I love you.

Uncle Vernon and uncle Jim: you two are just awesome, even if think you two are wild, crazy, rednecks. Love you.

Michael Roy Connell: Just a note, Mike, don't you ever think of coming near me, around me, or come looking for me - which includes any and all of my friends or family. You will not leave in one piece. I want your head you fucking sadistic pedophile-motherfucking bastard. You fuckin child raping pig fucker! If I had it my way, the last thing you will ever see is me over the top of you choking the life out of you.

My baby's kid's: I am sorry for everything, I have done. I honestly cannot think of where to start on that. I just hope you guys will grow to forgive me at some point. And I also hope you all can see that I have been trying. I don't know what else to say.

God and Jesus: I am sorry for betraying you, my lord. I love you. Please forgive me, father. I beg you.

Irvin: I am sorry that after you died, me and Kris called you Ernie and laughed. I should not have done that. I was wrong for that. Please forgive me, man.

Roger: As my real father, I do love you. But I can honestly say "dad" that I do not love you nearly as much as I love Ted - my step dad. He has been more of a father figure to me since I was 4 years old, than you ever have been. Even though we have met, and talked on the phone and hugged and worked some stuff out - I just wanted you to know that for the longest time, I hated you and wanted to kick your fucking ass. And for those feelings - I should never have those feelings towards my father - and for that I ask you, God and Jesus to forgive me and remember that I am deeply sorry - but I am also grateful we have had a chance to sort things out. And thank you again, for that $1,000.00 you gave me. I really needed it.

Dead Friends and Family: I hope to see all of you again someday. Irvin, Grandpa Strickland, Grandma Strickland, Grandpa John, funny grandpa, cousin Tyann, I hope I get to see all of you again some day. And I want to apologize and ask forgiveness for anything I had ever done or said during my life while any of you were alive to make you upset at me, hate me, or dislike me. I am sorry. Please, forgive me.

There are many things I have done, and said to people throughout my life. Past girlfriends, family, and friends - and even people I did not even know - ranging from telling a stranger to fuck off in a chat room, or in a bar, or on the road in my car by flipping someone off and ruining their day. Anything I have ever done, or said, to anything or anyone, I am sorry. And I hope that Christy my mom's old cat she used to have will also forgive me for being mean to her. I love life, friends and my family. I love my school, and my relationship. I feel like a total jackass, a failure, a lazy bum, a loser, a prick, an asshole, and a fucking dickhead. Right now I feel as if I am useless, or helpless. I can not explain why I have managed to fuck up so much during my life. I am trying like hell to change all that! I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY!!!! :(:(

PS: If I managed to forget anyone in this list, I sincerely apologize deeply from the bottom of my heart. I am very sorry for everything I have managed to do, say, fuck up, or harm - anything and any body. I hope I can be forgiven for all of it. And to each and every single person on the Internet I have ever managed to piss off, I am sorry to you as well and I hope that you can forgive me. Thank you.

TO ALL: I am sorry, I love you, and please forgive me!

 

~End~

Ever feel?...

Have you ever felt left out? Have you ever felt like the 5th wheel that is never used? Have you ever felt like you are being rejected? Have you ever felt like others are embarrassed to be around you in front of others, such as at friends, or in public? Have you ever felt like you do not belong? Have you ever felt like you're trying to reach out for other people's approval but it seems like you're just not getting it, no matter what you do, what you say or how hard you try? Have you ever felt like your lost? Ever felt like your between a rock and a wall? Ever feel like a 'tag-along'? Have you ever felt lonely, depressed, and sad - all at the same time? Have you ever felt like you should deserve to spend time with people you care about, but all the talking in the world does not help? Have you felt as if certain people should stick up for you, but they don't? Have you ever felt all of these emotions, and thoughts at the same time? I have, and do, quite often...

I honestly do not know what I should do, say, or think about things anymore. I suppose I could just 'man up' and forget about it. I mean hell, every close friend I have ever had has either gotten married, moved away, had kids, or died - sometimes all at once...

Terry & Callie got married and live together, and work and all that shit. Never get to hang out with them, except on the phone or online when I get the chance, or the ambition to call or IM them...

Irvin Johnson was murdered by his Father in Law & Mother in Law, because they hated the fact that he got their daughter pregnant. She lives, and so does his son, Connor.

Kris moved to Iowa. I have not seen him in almost 4 years.

Crystal & Steve got married, moved away and had kids.

Derek had a kid, and have not talked to him in a while.

Laura, Steve's sister always hangs out with Crystal and Steve at their place in La Crescent.

Mat, Derrick, and Josh - have no idea where they are at right now.

Ryan, I have not seen Ryan in years. Last I heard he came home from Iraq. No clue.

I never talk to Lisa anymore, or Kayla, or Troy from High School.

Many people who I have known over the years online, have either changed screen names, stayed offline, or hell maybe died. Who knows?

All I have are these idiots in chat, my GF and her kids, and my family. My job, and my school. That's it.

I have no transportation to go visit anyone.

I cant even visit my mom and dad, when I want too.

I feel as if everyone I have ever known as abandoned me, rejected me, left me behind, forgot about me, hate me, don't like me, don't want me near them in front of their friends, and most of all do not care about my wishes, needs or desires.

I honestly feel all alone in this world. And all the talking I have done, to make it better - certain things have improved - but many other things have not.

(Pauses for a few minutes)...

Well, I am officially at a loss for words, right now. I can not think of anything else to write.

Thanks for reading.

Good Riddance!

~Peace~

Good news

Since I have been going out with my Girlfriend, Kathy, I have went from 292 pounds, down to 257!!!

VERY AWESOME!!!

Perhaps, I will continue taking walks, and my medication. I will probably end up losing more weight! My goal is to get down to 180. My next "objective" is 220 pounds. 37 pounds more to go! In a few months, I think I should be able to get that! And I will!

I am also considering, doing some stretches (legs, arms, and back) at night, before bed, as well as at least 10 sit-up's and 10 push-up's... Doing that, with my medication and taking daily walks (seeing as my medication completely kills my appetite) I should definately begin to lose more weight!

Anyways. Thats all for now.

Love you BABY! (If you read this)...

PS: And no I am not trying to deliberately starve myself either. I do try and eat a little something, each day... I try... 

These med's are killing me

Lately, I have been on my medications. Saturday morning I got up after about 3 hours or so, worth of sleep. Wait 3:30AM to 7 is like 3 and a half hours I think... I was at the Maid Rite from 8am to 5:30pm, came home and was not able to get to sleep until this morning at 7:01am (last time I had looked at the clock). I woke back up at 9:30AM. I have been up since that time. A grand total of 6 hours of rest in the past two days. I have not been eating much, and I have been very tired and week today from the lack of sleep - problem is, I cant sleep. Wether I rock myself to sleep, listen to music, or just lay there and force myself to sleep. I tried everything. I just can not fall asleep.

Science has proven that after 72 hours of straight, no sleep, the body begins to shut down and people can die from it. But I have gotten some sleep here and there, 3 hours here, and 3 hours there. I need more. I am so worn out lately.

Plus on top of it, I have a constant feeling of nausea. Feeling shitty and feeling like I want to puke, and the only thing that seems to make it better is smoking a cigarette. I do that often too, not good for my health.

There are some other issues on top of all that, that I will not mention here online.

Taking the meds to make things work with those that I love and care about, and enduring all that the meds do to me. Very depressing I must say. Sure, I can eat. But I have no appetite. And if I do, chances are that I may puke it up. I have done so once already in the past few weeks, I have gone back on my medication.

I guess the best way for me to sleep is to invest in Marijuana, and Nyquil. Probably the two best ways, I will be able to fall asleep. Very sad indeed. And I hate it. But I am not giving my medication up, I absolutely need it. They help cope with life better. However there are some drawbacks of course - instead of being angry all the time and doing, saying, breaking and throwing shit around I do things differently. I become stand-off-ish, un-talkative, and most of the time a "whatever" or "ooookay" attitude. Sometimes I may even laugh shit off. I am a lot less vocal with my meds. But when everyone else around IS vocal, its hard for me to cope sometimes.

I dunno... lol... I guess I will just have to trust modern medicine!

Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

Later.

The First Dose

I am not exactly sure what to write here. Other than I really hate myself. Hate many things about myself. I feel as if I am continually fucking things up for myself and my future. I also feel like I am on an emotional, depressing downward spiral. Much of it I am just doing to myself, mostly in part because of my lack of medication I have not been taking. It keeps me up at night, and makes me vomit. I have made an appointment to get things settled down on the mental side of things. Perhaps I took the other medication too long and now it has adverse effects on my body, I do not know. But I have got to figure something out, before its too late. I am confident that if I was back on my medication again, without the adverse physical effects of taking it, I strongly feel like much of my own emotions, anger, and depression would die down. ADD, ADHD, and Depression, and severe hearing loss over the years has really plagued me in my personal life. I am trying to figure something out with my hearing, and now trying to figure something out about my psychological side as well. I honestly feel like, if I can take care of both things, it would decrease much of the hardships in my life right now. And it would make things easier to sort out, being able to hear everyone properly, sort things out in my head, think before I speak, not jump to conclusions, and so on. Many advantages can come from doing both, which I am attempting to get taken care of soon. I am really hoping that it all takes a turn for the better, and I can get the mental and hearing shit figured out, and finally move on peacefully. I know that I am hard to deal with when I cant hear well and when I am not on my meds. I should have thought about this earlier, and done something about it sooner. But I guess its better late than never. So hopefully if all goes well, I can get things in my life patched up and stuff like that.

Baby, I love you. I will do anything to get things going again between us. I mean its not like they have totally stopped or anything like that, dont get me wrong. But I just want you to know that by doing these things with the doctors right now, with my meds and my hearing - it will help out a great deal for the both of us. That I can promise you. Things will not be nearly as bad as they have been. But I do wish that I could hold you right now, cuddle you, kiss you, hug you, cry with you, tell you that I love you very much and that I hate fighting with you - and just hold you for hours. I feel like total shit right now.