I am not exactly sure what to write here. Other than I really hate myself. Hate many things about myself. I feel as if I am continually fucking things up for myself and my future. I also feel like I am on an emotional, depressing downward spiral. Much of it I am just doing to myself, mostly in part because of my lack of medication I have not been taking. It keeps me up at night, and makes me vomit. I have made an appointment to get things settled down on the mental side of things. Perhaps I took the other medication too long and now it has adverse effects on my body, I do not know. But I have got to figure something out, before its too late. I am confident that if I was back on my medication again, without the adverse physical effects of taking it, I strongly feel like much of my own emotions, anger, and depression would die down. ADD, ADHD, and Depression, and severe hearing loss over the years has really plagued me in my personal life. I am trying to figure something out with my hearing, and now trying to figure something out about my psychological side as well. I honestly feel like, if I can take care of both things, it would decrease much of the hardships in my life right now. And it would make things easier to sort out, being able to hear everyone properly, sort things out in my head, think before I speak, not jump to conclusions, and so on. Many advantages can come from doing both, which I am attempting to get taken care of soon. I am really hoping that it all takes a turn for the better, and I can get the mental and hearing shit figured out, and finally move on peacefully. I know that I am hard to deal with when I cant hear well and when I am not on my meds. I should have thought about this earlier, and done something about it sooner. But I guess its better late than never. So hopefully if all goes well, I can get things in my life patched up and stuff like that.
Baby, I love you. I will do anything to get things going again between us. I mean its not like they have totally stopped or anything like that, dont get me wrong. But I just want you to know that by doing these things with the doctors right now, with my meds and my hearing - it will help out a great deal for the both of us. That I can promise you. Things will not be nearly as bad as they have been. But I do wish that I could hold you right now, cuddle you, kiss you, hug you, cry with you, tell you that I love you very much and that I hate fighting with you - and just hold you for hours. I feel like total shit right now.
