Ever feel?...

Have you ever felt left out? Have you ever felt like the 5th wheel that is never used? Have you ever felt like you are being rejected? Have you ever felt like others are embarrassed to be around you in front of others, such as at friends, or in public? Have you ever felt like you do not belong? Have you ever felt like you're trying to reach out for other people's approval but it seems like you're just not getting it, no matter what you do, what you say or how hard you try? Have you ever felt like your lost? Ever felt like your between a rock and a wall? Ever feel like a 'tag-along'? Have you ever felt lonely, depressed, and sad - all at the same time? Have you ever felt like you should deserve to spend time with people you care about, but all the talking in the world does not help? Have you felt as if certain people should stick up for you, but they don't? Have you ever felt all of these emotions, and thoughts at the same time? I have, and do, quite often...

I honestly do not know what I should do, say, or think about things anymore. I suppose I could just 'man up' and forget about it. I mean hell, every close friend I have ever had has either gotten married, moved away, had kids, or died - sometimes all at once...

Terry & Callie got married and live together, and work and all that shit. Never get to hang out with them, except on the phone or online when I get the chance, or the ambition to call or IM them...

Irvin Johnson was murdered by his Father in Law & Mother in Law, because they hated the fact that he got their daughter pregnant. She lives, and so does his son, Connor.

Kris moved to Iowa. I have not seen him in almost 4 years.

Crystal & Steve got married, moved away and had kids.

Derek had a kid, and have not talked to him in a while.

Laura, Steve's sister always hangs out with Crystal and Steve at their place in La Crescent.

Mat, Derrick, and Josh - have no idea where they are at right now.

Ryan, I have not seen Ryan in years. Last I heard he came home from Iraq. No clue.

I never talk to Lisa anymore, or Kayla, or Troy from High School.

Many people who I have known over the years online, have either changed screen names, stayed offline, or hell maybe died. Who knows?

All I have are these idiots in chat, my GF and her kids, and my family. My job, and my school. That's it.

I have no transportation to go visit anyone.

I cant even visit my mom and dad, when I want too.

I feel as if everyone I have ever known as abandoned me, rejected me, left me behind, forgot about me, hate me, don't like me, don't want me near them in front of their friends, and most of all do not care about my wishes, needs or desires.

I honestly feel all alone in this world. And all the talking I have done, to make it better - certain things have improved - but many other things have not.

(Pauses for a few minutes)...

Well, I am officially at a loss for words, right now. I can not think of anything else to write.

Thanks for reading.

Good Riddance!

~Peace~

Good news

Since I have been going out with my Girlfriend, Kathy, I have went from 292 pounds, down to 257!!!

VERY AWESOME!!!

Perhaps, I will continue taking walks, and my medication. I will probably end up losing more weight! My goal is to get down to 180. My next "objective" is 220 pounds. 37 pounds more to go! In a few months, I think I should be able to get that! And I will!

I am also considering, doing some stretches (legs, arms, and back) at night, before bed, as well as at least 10 sit-up's and 10 push-up's... Doing that, with my medication and taking daily walks (seeing as my medication completely kills my appetite) I should definately begin to lose more weight!

Anyways. Thats all for now.

Love you BABY! (If you read this)...

PS: And no I am not trying to deliberately starve myself either. I do try and eat a little something, each day... I try... 

These med's are killing me

Lately, I have been on my medications. Saturday morning I got up after about 3 hours or so, worth of sleep. Wait 3:30AM to 7 is like 3 and a half hours I think... I was at the Maid Rite from 8am to 5:30pm, came home and was not able to get to sleep until this morning at 7:01am (last time I had looked at the clock). I woke back up at 9:30AM. I have been up since that time. A grand total of 6 hours of rest in the past two days. I have not been eating much, and I have been very tired and week today from the lack of sleep - problem is, I cant sleep. Wether I rock myself to sleep, listen to music, or just lay there and force myself to sleep. I tried everything. I just can not fall asleep.

Science has proven that after 72 hours of straight, no sleep, the body begins to shut down and people can die from it. But I have gotten some sleep here and there, 3 hours here, and 3 hours there. I need more. I am so worn out lately.

Plus on top of it, I have a constant feeling of nausea. Feeling shitty and feeling like I want to puke, and the only thing that seems to make it better is smoking a cigarette. I do that often too, not good for my health.

There are some other issues on top of all that, that I will not mention here online.

Taking the meds to make things work with those that I love and care about, and enduring all that the meds do to me. Very depressing I must say. Sure, I can eat. But I have no appetite. And if I do, chances are that I may puke it up. I have done so once already in the past few weeks, I have gone back on my medication.

I guess the best way for me to sleep is to invest in Marijuana, and Nyquil. Probably the two best ways, I will be able to fall asleep. Very sad indeed. And I hate it. But I am not giving my medication up, I absolutely need it. They help cope with life better. However there are some drawbacks of course - instead of being angry all the time and doing, saying, breaking and throwing shit around I do things differently. I become stand-off-ish, un-talkative, and most of the time a "whatever" or "ooookay" attitude. Sometimes I may even laugh shit off. I am a lot less vocal with my meds. But when everyone else around IS vocal, its hard for me to cope sometimes.

I dunno... lol... I guess I will just have to trust modern medicine!

Thanks for reading. Enjoy.

Later.